Masochist
by snarkysweetness
Summary: Tonks and Remus both attempt to cope with the loss of Sirius, Remus by pushing everyone away, and Tonks by trying to help Remus forget, at the sake of her own emotional health.


**Title: **Masochist **  
Author: **snarkysweetness**  
Characters/Pairings: **Remus/Tonks**  
Rating: **NC-17**  
Warnings: **Sex, drinking, angst. **  
When: **Post-OoTP/Pre-HBP **  
Summary:** Tonks and Remus both attempt to cope with the loss of Sirius, Remus by pushing everyone away, and Tonks by trying to help Remus forget, at the sake of her own emotional health. **  
Disclaimer: **Jo owns.If I owned, they would have made it through the big damn book.**  
Author's Note: **I wanted to write something about how Tonks' state of mind in HBP may have come about, I came up with this. And muchos gracias to my beta, tangograce, especially because I'm kind of an OCD freak and she puts up with it.

"You need to stop this, Remus, it isn't going to bring him back, you know?" Tonks called gently from the doorway. She was sick of fighting with him, no yelling tonight. If he wanted to continue his self destructive behavior, he could go right on with it. She wasn't going to keep trying, not anymore. Ever since Sirius' death, Remus had slowly spiraled into a deep depression, spending his nights holed up in the sitting room of Headquarters, drinking his liver into hole.

She cried herself to sleep every night when she went home. She couldn't bear watching the man she loved spiraling out of control like this. Every attempt that she'd made with him to help him through this had proven to be completely futile; Remus enjoyed his misery. He couldn't even see the pain that everyone else was in; specifically her.

Tonks wasn't taking this easily. Sirius had been the only member of her family that she had tolerated, aside from her parents. She'd barely begun to get to know him and within a flash he'd been taken away from her by her cunt aunt. She was in love with said cousin's best friend who was a moody, grumpy, alcoholic werewolf, who not only would never return her feelings, but couldn't even accept simple compassion from her.

She rolled her eyes; Charlie was right, she was a complete masochist.

"I'm a grown boy, Nymphadora, I can drink as much as I'd like." He told her, looking over at her, his head looking a bit heavy from all the drinking. Tonks shook her head, not even bothering with her usual glare at hearing her given name. He took a moment before turning his attention back to his drink.

"Go fuck yourself, Remus." Tonks whispered mournfully, pushing herself away from the doorframe, going to the kitchen to make herself a spot of tea. She hated being cooped up in this old house, especially with Remus, but it was their turn to man the helm, so to speak. Perhaps if she hid out in the kitchen for a good amount of time, Remus would drink himself to sleep and she could watch him, pathetically, fantasizing about all sorts of scenarios that would never happen.

Good Lord, she was useless, standing in the kitchen of her dead cousin's house, thinking about someone who'd made it painfully clear that he wanted nothing to do with her.

"_Are you all right?"_

_Tonks looked up as Remus sat down across from her on her hospital bed. _

_She wasn't sure she'd ever be 'alright'; she wanted so badly to go after her aunt and murder her for what she'd done to Sirius. The blind rage that had consumed her from the moment she'd awakened in the hospital had died down, but her desire to make Bellatrix suffer still had not simmered out, it never would. _

"_No, I'm not. I'll never be all right, Remus." Being an Auror, death was something that she'd had to deal with quite a bit,, but never before had it been someone so dear to her. How did people move on when a piece of their soul was missing?_

_She felt Remus fingers against her cheek and realized that she was crying. She looked up into his eyes. She loved him so much and now all of the reasons why she had made herself try to hide it seemed so ridiculous. So what if she was far too young and clumsy for him? They were at war; they could die tomorrow, and then what? She didn't want to let her feelings go unspoken, no matter what the outcome. _

"_I love you Remus," her voice was barely above a whisper, but clear. She didn't want him to mistake her words and she had no other way to say it than outright like that. She saw no use in using excess breath to say what she had to say when three words said it perfectly. _

_Remus immediately tensed and dropped his hand from her cheek before jumping off of the bed quickly. _

"_I should go."_

"_Remus-"_

"_Tonks, I can't." He shook his head and she could swear that his gaze held some form of regret. "It's not right." He whispered before leaving the room like a bat out of hell. _

Tonks poured herself some tea, stirring in some honey idly, thinking about that day, only a few weeks ago. That had been the last time she'd seen the 'real' Remus, not the brooding, drunken Remus, that fled the room when she was near. She couldn't take all of his different personalities anymore, she wanted the Remus she'd fallen in love with; though, she suspected that Remus was gone, the new Remus would always hold the pain of being the 'last one'.

Tonks turned, her Auror's instincts telling her someone else was in the room. She dropped her mug, not having realized Remus was standing so close. The mug fell with a loud crash to the floor, not breaking. She suspected Molly had long ago put charms on everything just for this sort of situation; Tonks breaking something, yet again.

"Don't do that, Remus. You gave me a fright." She was slipping; normally she would have noticed him the moment he'd come into the room. Now that she was so close to him, she could see how much the alcohol had taken its toll on him. Remus was already tired looking, from the transformations, and his years alone, but now he looked even worse than usual.

Tonks couldn't bear to keep looking at him so she turned away from him, grabbing a washcloth and bending down to floor, mopping her mess up. She did her best to ignore his presence as she cleaned, finding it difficult to do so. Remus had a lingering scent of shoe polish and chocolate, which was now mingled with Firewhiskey. She closed her eyes for a moment, taking the scent in before standing quickly, going to the sink to place her mug in and to rinse out her washcloth.

She jumped; a gasp escaping her lips as both of Remus' hands suddenly gripped her hips. He was breathing on the back of her neck and she suspected that he was smelling her hair.

"Remus-"

"You always smell lovely, you know that? Like peaches; sweet and delicious. Makes me want to devour you." A small whimper escaped her lips, her heart racing. Why was he doing this? Teasing her when he would only pull away again. He was torturing her.

His fingers snaked through her short, turquoise hair.

"I've always wondered what the real you looks like, Nymphadora. Will you show me?"

Oh good lord, he was pissed out of his mind.

"Don't call me-"

"I know, I know, you hate it. I think it's a lovely name." His lips pressed against her neck, just below her jaw line. She couldn't help but let out a small moan.

"Remus-" She was going to lose her mind soon if he kept on this way.

"Please, 'Dora?" His voice was a pleading whisper.

Tonks sucked in a small breath, a hiss escaping. The real Tonks wasn't something she let anyone see, _ever_. It was like going out naked, she just didn't do it. She didn't like to feel vulnerable. But for Remus-

She turned to face him, the pain that he carried evident in his eyes. Tonks closed her eyes, thinking. Her heart was already his; would it really hurt so nmuch to shed the rest of her pride? Seriously?

Concentrating, her features slowly melted away, molding, slowly, into her natural self. Her hair now draped down to the middle of her back in rich, blond curls. Her eyes were small, a piercing blue. Her nose was button like. Tonks resembled a kinder, prettier version of her Aunt Narcissa. She was cute; Tonks hated cute.

Her body was more shapely than she usually wore it. She preferred to look boyish, but she was naturally anything but. Her breasts were large and round, they just got in the way. She had curves in the right places, a round, firm bottom, and she was fit from Auror training. She looked like some silly model and she hid her face, blushing.

She was now naked, in a sense, before him, her clothes fitting uncomfortably, but she couldn't make herself reach for her wand. Tonks was frozen in place, her eyes glued to the ground to avoid his gaze. She was afraid of what she'd see there.

Remus placed a hand under her chin and lifted her head slowly so that she was forced to look at him. "You're lovely," he whispered.

Tonks opened her mouth to protest but Remus covered it roughly with his own.

There was no woman, in this world, no matter how strong willed, that could not melt into this kiss. It was perfect; hungry, passionate, and knee-jerking. In fact, her knees did give way, but Remus caught her as he pushed her up against the wall. His fingers fumbled with her shirt, ripping it. The damn thing was too tight, everything was too tight.

"Fucking-" he grabbed his wand and in a flick she was completely naked. Tonks' cheeks flushed and she looked down at him, her breathing labored. There were so many reasons why they shouldn't do this; he was drunk, they were both in pain and grieving, and she loved him far more than he would ever love her. Yet, she still wanted him. Even if it would hurt later, she'd rather hurt worse than feel nothing, than to never know the experience of having him inside of her.

She enjoyed the pain. Pain was something.

"Clothes off." Her voice was firm. She pressed her hands back against the wall and pushed him away from her before hopping down to the ground, without hurting herself, miraculously. Her fingers went for his shirt first, ripping it off like a greedy child opening a Christmas package. Then she moved to her knees. Belt off. Trousers unzipped. Trousers off. Then boxers. Until they were both naked in the middle of the kitchen.

Good lord, Christmas package indeed. Tonks was no virgin, by any means, but how that thing was going to fit inside of her, she was certainly curious to find out.

Just as she moved to push him onto the table he pulled her in for a kiss and they both landed with a thud on the bench, lips attacking one another like animals.

Pushing her fingers through his hair, her nails scratching at his scalp, Remus let out a feral growl which made her slightly giddy on the inside. Remus the wolf. If they weren't in the middle of sex, she'd giggle.

Tonks pressed her lower half against his, not caring about foreplay; he was too drunk to go through all of that.

Remus growled again, biting her lower lip. Tonks moaned, her fingers curling around his brown locks. His fingers found her hips and he guided her onto him slowly. Tonks bit her lower lip, a cry escaping anyway. Merlin, she couldn't decide if she was in the bad kind of pain or the good. He was stretching her, yet it felt amazing. He was reaching places that most men couldn't even touch and they hadn't even really begun yet.

"I'm so-"

"No. Don't be," she whispered, kissing him, both hands holding his face against hers. Moving over him, she bit down as she adjusted to his size. Before she knew it, she'd forgotten why she'd been going so slowly and she was freely riding him, her breasts bouncing, small cries coming out of her mouth along with his name.

He felt amazing. The best she'd ever had, by far, and she'd had many.

Remus watched her tits, his fingers digging into her sides. There was a dark look in his eyes. Something between desire and wanting more; she wasn't sure which.

Tonks clenched her muscles around him, eliciting a 'fuck' from his lips. She looked into his eyes, watching him. She'd never seen him like this. So carefree, so relaxed. There was no guarding himself right now. He was just Remus.

And she loved Remus, how could she not love this?

She didn't have long to ponder because one moment she was riding him and the next Remus had her pinned down on the table, one leg over his shoulder, and his cock digging into her at an incredibly hard and fast pace. Tonks couldn't keep up, her hand balled into a fist and she had to bite down on it, for fear of waking up her Aunt's portrait.

"Remus, I-oh Merlin-"

She came. _Loudly_. Waking up the portrait and whoever happened to be in the house. But Remus wasn't done yet. He kept on. His hands covered her breasts, squeezing and roaming, before replacing them with his mouth, his speed increasing every few moments.

Another orgasm ripped through her and she felt light headed. Surely, no sex was this good?

After the third orgasm, Tonks was sure that she had died and gone to Heaven.

And that the neighbors were hearing all of this. She'd never been so loud in her entire life.

Remus moaned and his hips stopped for a moment before jerking, coming with a few more violent thrusts. She was going to have bruises in the morning and she didn't care. No man had ever made her come so many times, let alone in one fuck. She could die tonight and be happy.

Burying his face between her breasts, Remus held her in place, catching his breath.

"Merlin, Tonks," was all he could say.

Tonks nodded. "I'll say."

She knew it was insane, but she wanted him again. And again. Then again, just for good measure.

"Yeah."

His lips found hers and then he was carrying her from the kitchen, to his bedroom.

Tomorrow she was going to feel the pain as they went back to the way things were; his refusal to admit that he loved her, his drinking, and their grief. But tonight, she didn't care. She was just that damn much of a masochist.


End file.
